The Crisis of getting along!

If only cordial relationships with parents, sibling, spouse, friends, neighbors, colleagues could be easy without hiccups.  We wish relationships were cordial all the time, but we know that’s far from reality. Take for example a parent and child relationship, it all begins when a child depends on the parents for almost everything and they adopt to parent’s wish, mostly.  However, this changes when the child grows big. They tend to move from dependency to independency. Now, the parents are concerned about the child making mistakes especially when some of the mistakes can be costly. In the urge of protecting the child from any disaster due to the result of their choices the parent jump-in to alert, warn and rescue. But in some case, they overdo. Now, this does not guarantee the child is going to appreciate the good intention of the parent. The high chances are the child is going to rebel and defy. The question of invasion of space arises due to generation gap. Children always feel the parents have not understood them well.

Each relationship is different and can be challenging. For example, in a marital relationship things can get complicated especially when everyone wants to make a point and expect other person to accept it as the right view. When one of the persons fails to or refuses to accept it as the right view then there are friction, contention and disappointment. Well, in the initial stage of marriage the case can be different but then the true nature of both individuals collides as time passes. In some arguments one of the persons maintain silence allowing the other person to be right and not to forcefully try to make his/her point. But we all know this is not a fool proof method as such suppression doesn’t mean all is well. It can always erupt again in a different form later at some point. 

We all wish to be right all the time. The question of fact can always be missed during confrontations. Confrontations are not bad, but it can aggravate as the subject matter gets blurred as we go deep into an argument. The members start picking up matters which are non-related arising out of the heated conversations. Usually, we all want others to know they are wrong, that they have made a mistake and in doing so we can end up hurting in many ways. And in a work environment as we all are aware the boss is always right. And between the colleagues the competitions and the need for survival takes precedence. 

There’s compelling research that spending time with the “other side” and engaging in goal-oriented conversations is a critical part of building a more culturally intelligent world. This was an idea first developed by Gordon Allport, something he called “Contact Hypothesis.” Allport offered guidance on how to use solution-focused dialogue to reduce conflict and discrimination:

>The members from both groups need to have equal status. If one group is treated as subordinate, the interaction makes things worse.

>There has to be a common goal (such as Helping the people in need. Reaching out to the vulnerable etc).

>The members of both groups have to commit to DOING something together. It’s the act of solving something together that begins to change attitudes about one another.

Some of the techniques and efforts will help when people are conscious and sensitive towards one another. The pressure to be seen right by others is intense that it deviates and disrupts the entire relationship. In critical situations and while having crucial conversations just state the fact keeping the tone at check without blaming or labelling the person failing which you will now have multiple argument points you may have to deal with. Ask God to give your calmness. After stating the fact allow people have a space to internalize and ponder over. Solomon the wise king states as recorded in the Bible, “…Calmness puts great offenses to rest.”. It may not be possible by nature but as you learn more about Christ your life is transformed. Jesus was known for His kindness, compassion and gracious words. The gospel writer Matthew in his gospel records about people perspective and their testimony. It says,“They were all speaking well of him and were amazed by the gracious words that came from his mouth…”. Knowing Christ changes your identity and helps you tackle relationships and situations more maturely. 

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THE FOUR

First time is a chance, the second a warning!

 

Paulo Coelho made a statement which says, “everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”. That’s the law of patterns: the first time is a chance, the second is warning and the third is consequence. Wish more people understood that life is all about patterns. You’re not broken. You’re repeating something. A thought. A reaction. A story. Change the pattern and you change your life. Well, this is easier said than done. Patterns are outward symptoms of something brewing in the human heart and mind. We are so accustomed to naturally think and choose evil than good, which results in recurring patterns of destructive behavior. 

The Bible explicitly states the nature of human mind as “… always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth…men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith.” (2 Timothy 3:7-8). The author in the Bible quotes an example of certain men who opposed leadership not because of mere likability but because of their depraved mindset which affected their behavior.  If you observe the patterns in human behavior and thoughts, you will notice:

>Our habits, both positive and negative, are patterns of behavior. 

>Our emotional responses often follow predictable patterns. 

>The Law of Patterns suggests that our external reality reflects our internal state. 

If we experience chaos or negativity in our circumstances, it may indicate a corresponding pattern of chaos or negativity within us.

The quote, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit,"attributed to the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle. What we repeatedly do can be attributed in two ways, 1. Intentionally doing things repeatedly eventually making it a habit or pattern, and 2. We get caught in a web of lies and promises through which we end up doing certain things as a pattern. 

The Bible diagnosing about the human heart states, "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?" Heart can constantly be misleading in the way it tempts, allures and supports evil effortlessly. The heart is never a moral compass to point out to the truth and what is right. Truth can be only found in a person Jesus Christ who claimed it and invited people to follow the truth. Jesus is in the business of transforming human lives, their nature and patterns. 

A man called Saul of Tarsus recorded in the Bible states that he became inflamed with hatred for the followers of Jesus. He sought to destroy the church in Jerusalem (Acts 8:1–3 Bible) and then headed for Damascus to tear up the church there (Acts 9:1–2 Bible). By his own admission he states, “even though I was a formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an arrogant man. But I received mercy because I acted out of ignorance and unbelief.”.  The pattern of this man was to put the followers of Jesus into prison, persecute them, and destroying the Churches in Jerusalem. His pattern was broken when he encountered Jesus in the way to Damascus. He was totally transformed and immediately started sharing his transformative love of Christ to others. 

You can change the consequences of your behavior pattern by looking to Christ Jesus for help. You don’t have to merely struggle to form a good pattern. He transforms a person like Saul of Tarsus from inside out. This same person who was called formerly Saul and later Paul writes in one of his books in the Bible, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away; behold, the new has come". I invite you start your life with a new set of pattern which will be transformative and transcendental.

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The cost of an un-surrendered life!

 

There is a price we pay for everything. Commodities have a visible price attached to them but there is a price we pay for our choices in life. The consequences for some choices may be immediate while some haunt us for life. Mostly the price we pay in such cases are recurring and painful. A harmonious relationship makes life enriching, but a contentious relationship wearies us. The underlying factor in all of this is our stiving to have control and we commit and surrender to wrong things in life.

In our desire to control every outcome, we try to steer our lives down a meticulously planned path. I’m a planner. I like to know when something is going to happen and what it’s going to look like. On the contrary a life of faith works on uncertainty. God rarely gives us a map and a timeline. I would even dare to say, God does not work in certainty. When I strive to control my outcomes, I end in disappointment. Surrendering is not accepting defeat but the humble belief that God holds the blueprint for our lives. We try to be self-styled gods by making things work for us through our abundant resources and opportunities. This deceives us into thinking that we neither need help from others or the need to commit and surrender to God.

The best description of surrender is when Jesus framed the top two commandments i.e. to love the Lord God with all their heart, mind, soul and strength and then to love their neighbors as themselves. Surrendering in Jesus’ term is to love the Lord and people unconditionally. When love for God is unconditional then you are automatically prepared to love one another like yourself. The purpose of life is to know God and to love Him and love others as Jesus’ commanded. When you hold on to something that is not part of God’s will and refuse to surrender, then you pay the price. The core of such rebellion and defiance is a moral decline. They may be holding on to something which they cherish, and value more than God and they fail to realize it is sin. They may miserably fail in all that they do yet be unwilling to commit their life to God. 

For God’s blueprint of your life to be revealed, our surrendering and committing is crucial. We need to receive forgiveness from our sins, which we can find only in Christ and be a transformed person. In the realm of faith, surrender does not equate to weakness; rather, it signifies a profound strength found in trusting God’s love and plans for us. Scripture offers abundant clarity and guidance on this - “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Surrender involves relinquishing our need for control and placing our lives confidently in God’s hands, knowing He has our best interest at heart.

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I am convinced that I am right this time!

 

“I want what I want” is a mantra most of us use and find enough reasons to rationalize our desire however harmful it maybe. There is an amount of exploration, chasing and seeking we do to get what we want. If our desire is acceptable within the societal norms, even better. An example is gay marriage, which is acceptable in some societies so it’s okay to be gay and look for a gay partner. The matter of right versus wrong depends on the environment we are living in.

So, what is the parameter for right and wrong. Each culture dictates its own dress code, food habits, relationships models and people adapt to them accordingly. For example, are live-in relationships one of the models for marriage? Not really. Let me point out an example from the Bible, one of the apostle’s states, 1 Corinthians 11:14-16 “Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.”. This issue can be argued based on each culture’s preference.

However, certain choices of individuals are questionable and at times up for criticism. There is the cultural framework but more than that there is the moral framework of God. As humans we have tested the boundaries of God’s moral framework and have nudged the boundaries lines far enough to brazen our conscience. Recently, I read a shocking news about Ukraine. Its parliament has planned to legalize pornography to fund its war efforts. Seriously? The means can be justified based on the need, but we fail to see the larger picture of what it will do to the country. It will disintegrate family, society and community, culminating to a massive swift downfall. It means your goal (the end) is so important that any method you use to achieve your goal (the means) is acceptable.

The lines of right and wrong have blurred with every passing generation. Our selfish needs have moved the boundaries significantly. Beware! Trial and error method doesn’t work in real life. Mistakes being repeated does not mean you were wrong the first time but right the next. 

The more we push our moral boundaries the greater is the fall. When the spirit of the Lord leads us then there is perfect leading and peace. Decisions within the moral framework of God don’t need social and cultural acceptance. It’s perfect on its own. The Bible states “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.”. Quit compromising on your values and heed to the leading of the Spirit of God. Assess your selfish desires and the lessons you learnt by giving into them. We learn from the Bible, "The Spirit of the Lord will not always strive with man", which means it signifies that God's patience with humanity's sinfulness has its limits. It also implies that there will be a point where God's Spirit will cease striving with people, leading to drastic consequences. You are in God’s hand and His perfect plan for your life is for your own welfare. Quit creating your own plan and tagging it as God’s will for your life.

 

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THE FOUR

Denying the knowing!

We play dumb even after knowing the truth as it contradicts our beliefs or our spiritual habits. We lie to ourselves and one of those lies is the existence of an Almighty. In the Bible it says, “The fool says in his heart ‘There is no God.’”. The interpretation here is not calling man a fool for thinking there is no God but for telling himself there is no God. Self-deception is pretending to ourselves that we don’t know what we really do. Unbelievers do not disbelieve, they reject.

One of the apostles in the Bible says, “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and wickedness of men who by their wickedness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. Ever since the creation of the world his invisible nature, namely, his eternal power and deity, has been clearly perceived in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse; for although they knew God they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking and their senseless minds were darkened.”. Here, the author is not criticizing them for not knowing about God but pretending not to know God. 

Today, Religious festivals and celebrations are more hazardous, unhealthy and politicized. People want  everyone to accept their version of truth and fight for it. Deception and lies are already existing in every spectrum of society but more so in the human heart which denies merely for moral reasons. Due to this pervasive mind-set most people seek out temporary truths or truths given for the moment. Additionally, the worries of life distract majority of us from seeking an answer to the transcendent question of whether there is any ultimate universal truth. Instead, we seek theories and advice that can just help us get through another day. Although this type of information doesn't answer our deepest longings and questions about life, we often feel it is the best we have. 

Jesus said He is the truth. Jesus once had a fascinating discussion with a man called Pilate who was the governor of the Roman empire. Pilate asked, ‘what is truth?’ Jesus had previously given His followers the answer to this very question - “I am the way the truth and the life no one comes to the father except through me” with this statement Jesus was indicating if you are confused and lost and don't know what direction to go, ‘I am the way’. If you're looking for someone in whom to trust someone to believe in or wisdom or what you should do, ‘I am…the truth’. If you're seeking an answer to why you exist and how you should live, ‘I am the life’.  The point is that truth could be found in the man who was standing right in front of Pilate - in the person of Jesus Christ. The truth of Jesus is not abstract relative or ideological, it is definite, consistent, and universally applicable. Such an assertion is sadly foreign to many people's reason and prior experience. The moment one rejects the truth or downplays it, deception takes over. Do you want to be open to knowing this truth which is an invitation for all to know and adopt? 

 

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THE FOUR

Subtle Assurance!

Have you observed that people give you just enough love to keep your hopes up. Just enough attention to convince they’ve changed. We all long to receive genuine love and care. This becomes a vantage point for many to approach and befriend temporarily. Maybe because you are candid and honest you expect the same in return. But how many times did you find out that those whom you were counting upon were the ones who just left you with subtle assurances that they care for you and love you with all their heart but what they did is using you in their story for their personal advantage. 

Disappointed? The good news is you are not alone. Many who keep longing for support, friendship and a little care have been victims of such deception at some point of time. This world has increasingly become hostile and disloyal. Selfishness has taken the front seat. People find ways to use one another as a ladder to climb, stomping others down. The Bible narrates how people in the end time will turn to be more subtle and crafty. It is found in the Bible, “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,  having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!”

Deception is rampant and it is so hard to trust anyone these days. We are dependent on each other but are we paranoid in our relationships? That will be too crude. We will offend each other and ourselves in the process. The teaching of the adage “Treat others the way in which you wish to be treated,”. Some people do the opposite. Whether it’s an act of disrespect, manipulation or exploitation. Some people will only “love you” as much as they can use you. Their loyalty ends where the benefits stop. You will find kindness misinterpreted as weakness. When you have a kind heart, people can play at your heart strings to get what they want. And then people also want to hold each other as bait by showing little kindness, little favors, feigning trustworthiness all the while playing subtle games. 

How do we go forward with such people? Continue to be kind, genuine and honest. You don’t have to change yourself because you are hurt. Trust God in your difficult times. Jesus faced betrayal and deception, yet He sacrificed Himself for the salvation of mankind and understands your pain. Jesus promised, “I will never leave your nor forsake you”. He is closer to you than you think. You can never be alone and despondent of your situation or you crisis. He brings the right help and people who could understand you when you are in your lowest moment. We tend to focus on people but help from the Lord is abundant and can come in any form, if you learn to know Him and trust Him more. 

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THE FOUR

The Transaction of Love!

 

People’s perception of relationships is that its transactional. The opposite of that is relational. It is in the relational that true intimacy can exist, where you enjoy the company of the other person with little or no expectations. Kirill Koles in his article states, “there’s always an exchange happening. And the first rule of the transaction? You don’t talk about the transaction. Not directly, anyway. Even if everyone knows what’s happening, we all play along like it’s about something deeper, something nobler. And that’s how the dysfunction sets in.”.

Each relationship operates on exchange. You give time, you get companionship. You lend an ear, you feel good about being there for someone. This is how human nature thrives. But when does it actually become contractual? It’s not the give and take that’s the problem—it’s the cold calculation that sucks the soul out of it. We are all guilty of it. Who hasn’t weighed the pros and cons of a relationship, even subconsciously? But here’s where it gets murky: not every connection fits the “You scratch my back, I scratch yours” mold. Take, for example, unconditional love. A parent doesn’t keep a tally of every diaper changed or sleepless night endured. A best friend doesn’t charge for midnight calls when your world’s falling apart. These are the relationships that transcend the transactional muck, rooted in a pure desire to give, without expecting anything in return.

So why is unconditional love harder these days in relationships? Maybe it’s the cultural shift. We’re living in the age of individualism, where success is measured in personal achievements and material gain. Relationships? They’re just another checkbox on the life plan. But a deeper probe into the soul will reveal that our relationship with God is transactional, which is overflowing into our human relationships. We try to please God with our rituals to receive personal benefits from Him and we try out this same principle with human relationships. 

Jesus showed what unconditional love really looks like. He emphasized on relationship than rituals and spiritual duties. Jesus’ greatest commandment was “Love your Lord God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and then to love one another as yourself.”. He demonstrated the importance of relationship and unconditional love by loving us when we were in our wretched state of sin. The Bible says he died for us while we are yet sinners. His death and resurrection saved us from the wretchedness of sin. As sin rules our relationships at times, Savior’s teaching on unconditional love is relevant for ages to come, irrelevant of how the world changes. 

Some of his teachings are “But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”. Do you see any of these transactional? When you are overwhelmed with Christ’s love, you become noble in your act of love. When you start knowing Christ and learning more about Him, you find new life and dimension to your life. 

 

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Knowing the Saviour 

THE FOUR